Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Urbana: One Year Later

Last year, I went to a missions conference put on by Intervarsity Christian Fellowship (the national organization, not just local chapters or the regional area). In St. Louis, Missouri :) And I learned a lot.

A whole lot. The inarticulate student that I am cannot even describe what started going through my mind after Urbana. You see, I was a part of the Advocacy track, which was sponsored by International Justice Mission, World Vision and Sojourners. The point of the track was to teach awareness about human trafficking and slavery and modern-day (and not-so-modern) ways that we can speak up and fight it. Yes, slavery exists and is worse today than it was in during the Civil War time (but I'm not trying to educate or make you aware about this issue in this post- but if you're curious about it, please ask me and I'll explain more about it). This concept is something that since high school I had been learning about and was super passionate for. I didn't want to buy anything made from sweatshops, which proves to be near-impossible as a girl with no income living with her parents in Harford County. I then went to college and did Gateway after my freshman year. Gateway is probably one of the most mind-provoking, radically changing, confusing, stressful, and pensive programs I will ever go through and probably exists in the area. And not something to take lightly. And then I babysat a girl who was going through issues with custody problems because of sexual abuse and manipulative extended family and almost testified in court. And then my foster brother married a girl who had a daughter who was sexually abused and going through court to convict the person responsible.

And then Urbana happened.

I have always been a big fan of missions. I also have grown up learning a lot about it. My father used to be the missions coordinator at my church and therefore, we had a lot of missionaries come into our home to visit and to speak to our church. One of my old Sunday School teachers is now in Japan teaching as a missionary. This other lady, Faith, is a hospital technician in Kenya trying to keep the medical equipment working accurately on a low budget with lots of cultural differences. When I was little, my family went to a missions conference and I learned as a child what it meant to serve overseas. I remember making goo there (it symbolized something, I just don't know what). Missions has always been engraved in my heart as important. Some days I think maybe it's been engraved in my heart because perhaps I'm called to serve. Other days I understand that I'm not called to serve at this point in time. Other days I just don't know.

Urbana reconfirmed something that I had realized during Gateway: You don't have to witness and serve and change your lifestyle to be a missionary just by only being transplanted into another culture. You can do that here. As an American citizen, my vote and voice is very powerful. You can look at the Tea Party example for confirmation. I can "advocate" for things I believe in-- such as clean water for everyone, ending slavery, becoming more sustainable and responsible environmentally. I can serve with my time and money. I'm thinking that as soon as I graduate since I'll be living on my own I should buy my furniture (or at least that stuff I don't randomly find in my family's barn) from thrift shops and locally owned stores that sell local products instead of big corporations like Wal-Mart and Target and whatnot. Which means I probably will buy things one paycheck at a time since those items will be harder to find and/or afford.

Yep. After Urbana, I remember thinking "now what?" I remember being confused as to what I personally should do with my knowledge, skill set, and cares. I figured I had a very unique skill set that I should put to use and my awareness about child slavery was more personal than I had been expecting. I had interacted with victims and understood the beauty of art and music therapy and talking through things. I had understood how many injustices exist and how hard it is for victims and the oppressed to be on the bad side of these injustices. I remember asking God "now what?!"

If there is one thing I've learned, I've learned to be careful what you ask of and for from God. "Now what?" can be a dangerous thing to ask if you're not prepared to listen or be challenged. Oh boy. I think my parents must have asked Him that same question too at one point last year.

Perpetrators. Oppressors. They're not something we like to associate with nor care for when they do us or the weak harm. Yet at the same time we know they are human and sinners and that God loves them just the same as us. Do we love them? Most often than not, we don't act like we love them. This fall/start-of-winter has taught me and my family a lot about how to handle "the bad guys." There exists a very difficult line between forgiveness and having them pay justly for their crimes versus holding grudges and being unjust with their punishments. That line is incredibly difficult to find. Only through prayer and faith can justice truly occur. By obediently allowing God to take control and work through the situation will glory be given to Him and justice be beautifully served. Christ died for our sins. His resurrection reveals a glimpse at perfect restoration and justice. God's justice is the best out there; His is the perfect justice. We can't understand all of it and we shouldn't demand or expect to understand it- that's called arrogance. I have hope that God will one day right any wrongs done and that things will work out. I don't know when or how but it's exciting to think about that day. I still don't have answers on how to appropriately handle "the bad guys" but I know that step-by-step God will show us how when we need to know.

It's been a year since Urbana and I can't believe it. So many things have happened since then yet I still ask the same questions and I still have the same uncertainties. I don't know where I'm to go from here; I don't know what I'm going to be doing 6 months from now. All I know is that I'm constantly being stretched and grown in my faith and that I'm to trust. Trust in God as my God and Christ as my Savior and that the Holy Spirit will reveal to me what I'm supposed to do at the perfect time.

A year later and I am right back where I was before yet I'm slightly different. That might be a good thing. Maybe ;)

Remember: Hakuna mungu kama wewe.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Hope.

Hope (n.)- the general feeling that some desire will be fulfilled; "in spite of his troubles he never gave up hope"; promise.

I wanted to work on this Advent study throughout the season but I only got to Day 1 before becoming so completely consumed with family, friend and school problems that I put it aside (sadly) for a while. But now that I turned in my policy paper I am taking some time to read and learn again and the first week’s topic was ‘Hope’. And of course it got me thinking before I even read the study. (Confession: I still haven’t!)

Hope is the motivation that has gotten me through many situations, especially in the past 4 years. Hope is what all students have in finals week, that as soon as the week is done, things will calm down, our lives will move on and ultimately life will be ok again.

This past semester, actually for the past 3 years, I have struggled with not knowing what will happen to my life but wanting to know and dictate it. Through series of family events, close calls with academics, loss of friendships, etc. which has led to lots of worry and depression, it is has been difficult to maintain ‘hope’ especially for the future which seems most often bleak yet is so looming over my life.

But most recently, I have realized what hope is and I have rediscovered ‘hope.’ Not because I know I’ll have security in a job next year when I graduate, or if I’ll graduate, or that I know what I want to do with my career. In fact, I honestly can’t tell you where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing. It is very possible that I could be doing grad school for policy or I could be teaching science in a city public school or I could be working as an engineer at a chemical plant in Texas or Colorado. I don’t know. But I still have hope for my insecure future. And here is why:

One of the most memorable and depressing things I have ever been asked was by a 9 year old girl last month. She asked me, and I won’t forget it, “Cara- do you love your life because you know that you’ll have a home next year no matter what happens to you? Sometimes I don’t love my life because I don’t know what’s going to happen or if I’ll have a home.”

No child should ever think that or feel that. Ever. (The reasons for why she said this to me are very serious and terrible but I’m not at liberty to explain why.) She asked this to me during the semester where everyone is pressuring me to figure out what to do next with my life, where classmates are panicking and are completely insecure and different due to the competitive job market. She asked this after I had just had a meltdown a week before because I didn’t know where God wants to be me next year.

How should I answer this to a girl who very much is going through extraordinary circumstances? Maybe you would answer differently but this is what I said.

“No, I don’t love my life because I know that I’ll have a home next year. I love life because I know that God is watching over me, loves me and He will be there for me no matter what happens.”

This girl’s face immediately lit up and you could tell she had hope again. She got incredibly excited that it is possible that no matter what her physical situation will be, God will still be there. Then she went off in her own young child Christianese language that no one can understand because the child herself does not quite fully comprehend words enough to describe what she understands or is feeling and I have no clue what she said after that. But I could tell by her emotions and actions what she felt.

But seriously now, I have a God who I have declared as Lord of my life, a Savior who has redeemed me and a Spirit who is with me always. My God loves me sooooo much that He died just so my brokenness could be restored. Who am I to worry and fret about what is going to happen to me next year? Why should I be so consumed with fears of the future that I lose my hope and my faith in my God that He will take care of me and lead me where I should go? Where did that hope and faith go that I used to have?

The second definition when I googled ‘hope’ was ‘promise’. How often is it that I forget the promise of my God? John 1:12 says, “Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.” I am a child of God and as cliché as that sounds, it is wonderful. I have faith and hope in my God that I will be taken care of, that what I have endured in the past and in the present will be amended and that my future will be in God’s hands for Jeremiah 29:11 says, “‘… I know the plans I have for you,’ says the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Prosperity is not wealth. Prosperity does not mean that my life will be completely stable for years to come and will not change or be difficult. No, prosperity is “a successful, flourishing, or thriving condition” and I believe that is referring to my relationship with my God and the restoration of my life to His will and plan for my life. There will be suffering in my life, there will be challenges. I count myself blessed that I have no idea what is to come because as is explained “…we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” (Romans 5:3-5).

Knowing that God is with me and His plan is better than anything that I could make is hope enough for me. All I have to do is learn to obey and listen. 

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Reasons for my Creepers

I think I may have figured it out. The reason why I have so many creepers is because of this man:
http://www.jesusneedsnewpr.net/how-to-pick-up-pure-christian-women-for-men-only-of-course/

and his opinions, challenges to awkward dudes and his website:
http://www.pureattraction.com/

Life makes so much more sense now. Now all I need is to find a way to get this guy to stop sending the creepers my way.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Advent

Advent: arrival that has been awaited (especially of something momentous)

Advent is my favorite season. Or rather, it would be my favorite season if I had time to enjoy it. (School and family troubles tend to get in the way.) I love advent. I love that there is an entire season (often forgotten about) that focuses on the arrival of the most important things in my life: love, compassion, and grace. I love that we have an entire month leading up to Christmas which is the time where I get to see my family, see my pets, see my friends and go home.

I love that during Advent, there is an advent wreath that gradually gets lit one candle at a time over the course of the month. Each time a new candle is lit, more light and warmth radiates into the room. My family used to light one every week and sing songs. I sorta wish that as Christians, our goal would be to do that in our lives, that is to radiate more and more light and warmth (aka God's love and testament of His grace) until we reach our maximum giving off all we can. If we did that, so many more people wouldn't be hurting or cold or lost in the dark.

I sorta feel that senior year is supposed to be the season of advent. It's the countdown year and all seniors are waiting for the arrival of adulthood. We just can't wait for graduation to come. But instead of giving off light and warmth, we give off frustrations and loneliness and stress. Sorta like how the consumerist Christmas season has now become. Maybe we should all calm down and think about what the message that this year is supposed to remind us of and what it is supposed to teach us. Maybe.

Chick Retinas

Whoa! Whoa!

My friend Kelsey, who is awesome, just sent me this link:

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/11/30/science/30brain.html

THIS IS SO COOL! Hypothetically speaking, if you were looking at me or the image of me, and I was looking at your brain, I could make out the image of me on your brain. Because that's how impressionable I am (just kidding-- but seriously, that image would be there).

SOOOOO COOL!

Also, in honor of this awesomeness, the background of this blog is now temporarily a picture of a chick retina. Yes. A chick retina. Because God allows science to reveal pretty things (:

Yay!