Suburbs, family and handymen

There were 3 things I was reminded of today:

1. I never, ever want to live in a suburban development. Ever. I'll pay more to live in a town, city or in the 'country' but never the suburbs. No one should ever feel the need to invest in green grass during August in this region or during a drought. And no one should ever get their driveway repaved every year to keep up the appearances. I find both of these things superficial and foolish.

2. I am very blessed to have been raised by my parents. They love and accept without seeing blemishes. Not all parents are like that.

3. I am very blessed to have men in my family who know how to fix everything. They can do woodworking, mechanical and motor repairs, electrical work, construction, etc. Not all men these days know how to do that. Unfortunately, that also means I'm spoiled and expect a lot out of boys.

Testimony Part 1: Letting Go of Good Things

Family is dynamic. Everyone always says that their family is crazy, probably because of all the stuff that happens in their clan because family is so fluid. Family can change; it can grow with marriage and babies or get smaller with deaths or separations. This mother that I nannied for once went from an abusive relationship with a large extended family to being a single mother with a child and no support behind her. The father was abusive and the grandmother was in denial about the situation and the rest of the relatives just could not believe it. Basically, she lost her family so she could protect her child.

This is an area where I have struggled since high school. Could I leave my family behind if God called me to leave? Luke 9:61-62 says "Still another says, 'I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say good-bye to my family.' Jesus replied, 'No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.' "

I love my family and having family is a great gift from God. Although my family doesn't hug each other or say it explicitly, we love each other and have supported each other in extremely difficult times. (More to come about that maybe at a later date.) I have very old parents though and their health hasn't been the best so helping them and caring for my mother when she gets severely low sugar is something that I do. Because of this, I did not want to move far away but I wanted to stay after I graduated to be able to help.

Now you might say, "aww, you're such a good daughter" but please don't think like that. Just because actions seem right does not mean that motivations are in par with what God desires. In the passage above, if that man truly loved Christ and his looking back towards his family was centered around what God wanted him to do, that would be fine. But Christ knew that man's reservations and fears about leaving and knew that his heart was not fully committed to Christ's service yet.

If my motivation for looking for jobs near my home was because I knew God was calling me to stay then that would be alright. However, I was motivated by fear. I did not want to not be around if something happened. I was afraid of ultimately losing my mother and missing out on good times. But I needed to let my family go. Yes, family is important. Friends are important. But at what point do they begin to become an idol?

Over winter, I struggled so much with this concept that I think I think I ended up crying daily. (It didn't help that I was severely lonely and depressed from my SAD.) I knew that I needed to let go of my family and stop idolizing it in order for God to let me truly enjoy my family. This concept may not make sense to some. I've heard it referred to in terms of dating relationships though: if you so desperately want to be in a certain relationship because you like it (which isn't a bad thing), but if you would be willing to ignore God's plan due to that relationship, that is a bad relationship to be in; but if you are willing to give up that relationship if God told you to, your motivations are still God-seeking and that relationship isn't an idol. It sounds backwards, I know and until you are put in a situation like that, I don't think many people will understand what I'm trying to say.

I have struggled with knowing my ill-placed motivations. It's not an easy subject but since high school I have consciously struggled with battling between where God wants me to go and with the fact that I strongly desire to go back home.

This past winter, I was finally able to release my family to God. Now that I have, it's been amazing because God has been answering my prayers. He does want me to have my parent's semi-close to me in my post-graduated life but He wanted me to trust Him with it. Job opportunities have been slowly opening themselves up for this region and God has been blessing me for trusting. I'm still struggling with figuring out the balance but I know that I am free from that sin and it feels like a burden has been lifted.

So now I ask the 6-ish of you that actually read this blog to reflect on your own life: what area is burdening you that only you know your motivations are wrong? Is it school? or church activities? or music? Or is it relationships with others?

PS- I'm sorry this post is so long. I talk a lot.

Thankful Tuesdays

I found that on someone's blog they do this thing called "Thankful Tuesdays" where they write down things that they are thankful each Tuesday. (duh.) I kinda think that is a neat idea and goes pretty well with my other New Year's traditions of Meatless Mondays and Fish Fridays. So.... I wanna try it. At least for now.

This week, I am thankful for...

• My real, legit brother because he's awesome and fixed my computer and saved all my files when my hard-drive decided to stop being recognizable as a hard-drive.
• Snow (bc it snowed on Monday night while I was with a bff eating onion rings)
• Church. I do love going to church. And by church not only do I mean the body of Christ but the actual institution. I didn't realize how much I loved going until my non-Christian friend told me she was sad for me that I didn't get to go on Christmas Eve because she knew how excited I get when I go. I missed going to church this week because I couldn't find a ride to mine and every time I don't get to go to church, I get a little sad. I live on campus in the dorm and this is the 4th year of me doing so. While I get plenty of fellowship with Christians, it's only really with college aged children or people who think they are college aged still. It's nice and refreshing to go to a church where there are older and younger people also worshiping the same God. It keeps everything in perspective.
• Family bonding. As much as I greatly despise and loathe all the problems that have been going on this past semester with my family, we are growing closer as a family. I never grew up with my sisters because they were already married when I was born so I never had those bonding moments. And my parents are so old I never thought of having a two-sided conversation with them instead of just revering whatever they say and keeping my thoughts to myself. But this winter we got to sit down and chat and have intelligent conversations on stuff such as food and human trafficking and diabetes and disease and work and school and anxiety. That was nice.

Yay! PS- Meatless Mondays is less fun when they serve the good meat on Mondays and terrible vegetarian foods. And they didn't have vegan sausage yesterday like they usually do. I actually really wanted vegan sausage too.