Testimony Part 1: Letting Go of Good Things

Family is dynamic. Everyone always says that their family is crazy, probably because of all the stuff that happens in their clan because family is so fluid. Family can change; it can grow with marriage and babies or get smaller with deaths or separations. This mother that I nannied for once went from an abusive relationship with a large extended family to being a single mother with a child and no support behind her. The father was abusive and the grandmother was in denial about the situation and the rest of the relatives just could not believe it. Basically, she lost her family so she could protect her child.

This is an area where I have struggled since high school. Could I leave my family behind if God called me to leave? Luke 9:61-62 says "Still another says, 'I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say good-bye to my family.' Jesus replied, 'No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.' "

I love my family and having family is a great gift from God. Although my family doesn't hug each other or say it explicitly, we love each other and have supported each other in extremely difficult times. (More to come about that maybe at a later date.) I have very old parents though and their health hasn't been the best so helping them and caring for my mother when she gets severely low sugar is something that I do. Because of this, I did not want to move far away but I wanted to stay after I graduated to be able to help.

Now you might say, "aww, you're such a good daughter" but please don't think like that. Just because actions seem right does not mean that motivations are in par with what God desires. In the passage above, if that man truly loved Christ and his looking back towards his family was centered around what God wanted him to do, that would be fine. But Christ knew that man's reservations and fears about leaving and knew that his heart was not fully committed to Christ's service yet.

If my motivation for looking for jobs near my home was because I knew God was calling me to stay then that would be alright. However, I was motivated by fear. I did not want to not be around if something happened. I was afraid of ultimately losing my mother and missing out on good times. But I needed to let my family go. Yes, family is important. Friends are important. But at what point do they begin to become an idol?

Over winter, I struggled so much with this concept that I think I think I ended up crying daily. (It didn't help that I was severely lonely and depressed from my SAD.) I knew that I needed to let go of my family and stop idolizing it in order for God to let me truly enjoy my family. This concept may not make sense to some. I've heard it referred to in terms of dating relationships though: if you so desperately want to be in a certain relationship because you like it (which isn't a bad thing), but if you would be willing to ignore God's plan due to that relationship, that is a bad relationship to be in; but if you are willing to give up that relationship if God told you to, your motivations are still God-seeking and that relationship isn't an idol. It sounds backwards, I know and until you are put in a situation like that, I don't think many people will understand what I'm trying to say.

I have struggled with knowing my ill-placed motivations. It's not an easy subject but since high school I have consciously struggled with battling between where God wants me to go and with the fact that I strongly desire to go back home.

This past winter, I was finally able to release my family to God. Now that I have, it's been amazing because God has been answering my prayers. He does want me to have my parent's semi-close to me in my post-graduated life but He wanted me to trust Him with it. Job opportunities have been slowly opening themselves up for this region and God has been blessing me for trusting. I'm still struggling with figuring out the balance but I know that I am free from that sin and it feels like a burden has been lifted.

So now I ask the 6-ish of you that actually read this blog to reflect on your own life: what area is burdening you that only you know your motivations are wrong? Is it school? or church activities? or music? Or is it relationships with others?

PS- I'm sorry this post is so long. I talk a lot.

An Awkward Blog Update

I have two blogs.

This blog. And my awkward blog. But all of you who have found this blog should already know about the awkward blog. That’s my famous one.

I haven’t posted any of my awkward stories though since December. Have awkward stories happened to me? Yes, of course. I had a strange man follow me from when I walked out of my dorm to Trabant the other day. He originally wasn’t walking in the same direction that I was headed either but he turned around when I passed him.  But nothing came of it so I can’t write about it.

But there have been no solid stories in a while. I like to think it’s because I’m getting skilled at dealing with them however that would be a complete lie- I’m awkward. I really think really it’s mainly due to two reasons. 

1. I haven’t been out that much in places where I can create stories. Between work, family, shyness and sickness, I just haven’t been places this year where the awkward can creep on me.
2. A lot of my stories that are my truly awkward stories I can’t write up because of privacy issues. Aka some of my creepers have found my blog and read it or some of you made me feel super awkward but I won’t tell you or write about it because I don’t want you knowing.

But do not fear. I’m still very awkward at heart. And I’m sure more stories will come.

Testimony and Themes and Whatnot

I just wrote out my testimony again. I haven't updated it in 3 years. So much has changed since then, especially within this past year so I figured it needed to be done. I wrote it out and am still writing and so far it's taking up over 9 pages in my journal.

There are basic themes though that keep getting repeated.
1. God prepares us for what is to come. It's almost ironic how much God has prepared me to go through some of the situations I have faced.
2. Friendships/any type of relationship (parent-to-child, coworker, mentor/mentee, friends, bf/gf, etc) should never be idolized. While God said, "It is not good for man to be alone," first and foremost our focus must be on God. When our focus leaves God, that's when problems occur. I've lost many friends by losing focus and thinking that I know best. I've idolized friends and I've been through bouts of loneliness. Having no friends (or not trusting anyone to be a friend) is just as bad as idolizing a relationship.
3. Letting go of painful situations is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Learning to forgive is part of the letting go process. Forgiveness doesn't come if anger has built walls around your heart.
4. Learning to forgive is extraordinarily difficult.
5. Trust goes against everything that society tells you to do.
6. The worst feeling in the world is feeling like you are a burden when your spirit is deeply hurting.
7. Giving of oneself is the best gift you could do for yourself.
8. I was a nerd in high school. And the first two years of college. Then I burned out.
9. "But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me." -Micah 7:7. My God will hear me. That is a promise.
10. "The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love" -Galatians 5:6b. If you ever doubt a rule or a command or what you should do, recite this verse and ask yourself deep down is it faith being expressed in love or is it rebellion/anger/sadness/doubt?

I might type up some of my testimony and share it on here. Not all of it. But maybe some parts. We shall see.

Before Leaving College

There was a list of things that my friends and I think all college kids should do or that we'd imagine we'd do in college before graduating. This list is what I haven't successfully accomplished yet. Some assistance might be required.

Things I need to do before leaving college:

1. Star Wars Marathon (Patty and I have been talking about it since freshman year). I get lots of interest but no one is willing to commit to watching them :(

2. Jump in the fountain

3. Visit Colburn after leaving the bars

4. Go on the roof of Du Pont

5. Get to all the bars (I haven't been to Timothy's yet).

6. Eat at all the places on Main Street (not sure if I can afford it though). I still need the newly opened Indian place, Cheeburger Cheeburger, St Clair's, Mojo's for hush puppies, Falafel Plus and the fancy places like Iron Hill for food, the Post House Restaurant, Deer Park bc I think I've never actually ordered food there, Caffe Gelato and a few others. I think the pricier places I might try going to brunch on the weekend perhaps or I'll just come back in the summer or fall to finish when I have an income.

7. $3 movies in Trabant and the $2 documentaries on Wednesdays (I've never actually gone to one here)
8. Hush puppies at Mojo's. I've heard delicious rumors that they exist on the dinner menu and I MUST find out the truth and order them if they truly exist 

It was jokingly suggested that I should add to the list getting my MRS degree and getting kissed under the kissing arches. If you know me however you should know that neither of those were ever on the list to begin with. I do know girls who have them on their lists though.

If there are any other suggestions that I should add to this list, please feel free to tell me!