Afraid of the Dark

I have a confession to make:
I am afraid of the dark.

Now I'm not afraid of the dark in the normal sense. I can walk into a dark room or out into the night and understand that the area hasn't physically changed and that nothing will jump out at me and attack (except for my brother's cat). Mentally, my brain knows not to fear. However, deep down my heart starts doubting anyway. I get fearful that I am left all alone. I think it also helps explain my winter anxiety- winter has the shortest days of the year and so it is dark the longest.

I realized my fear, or at the very minimum my strong distaste, of the dark a few weeks ago. It just sorta occurred to me. And I got thinking: why am I so fearful of the dark? Why don't I like it?

I think it brings on mental claustrophobia. The dark starts to strip things out of your line of vision. When you are in the dark, you can't see the things around. Darkness is around you and all you 100% know is that you are standing there but a blanket of darkness cloaks everything else.Sure, we have faith that everything around us is the same as what it was when the lights were on. We rarely have reason to doubt that something has changed with the cover of the night. But I still don't like it. I can't see the strangers walking down the street at night, I can't see that uneven bump in my path that I need to step over, I'll run into things with my clumsy feet and then I will most likely trip and fall.

My relationship with God is like that too. In the lighter times, I have no reason to doubt that God is present with me and that He cares for me and has undying, relentless love for me. But when darker times come, I am left standing there with a slight fear. I can't see what is around me, I can't see what God is doing but I'm desperately trying to trust Him that nothing has changed. I have to trust that when I do trip God will still be with me to help pick me up.

Maybe that is why Christ said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." Maybe Jesus is my light bulb, or my flashlight. A flashlight shines a beam of light in the direction you point it so that it shows you what's lying ahead. Jesus already lived a life here on earth to show us what's lying ahead. His example can guide me and show me when I should turn because there is a bend in the path. His example also reveals and reassures me that God always IS present so that I won't be living life alone in the dark.

Since I started my job, I've been waking up early in the morning to get to work. I wake up with the sun rising and go to bed when it is dark. I used to wake up at like 10 or noon and stay awake until the sun was almost rising the next day. I was practically living in the nighttime instead of the day. That made me miserable. I am now making a conscious effort to live life when it's light outside instead of at night. More people should try that. It's much nicer. I can't avoid the darkness (because in the winter it's dark at like 4:45 or 5) but when the darkness does come I know it's time for me to start calming down for the evening to rest for the night. Spiritually, I should learn how to do that too. When the dark times begin to come, instead of panicking I will remain calm and curl up with my Jesus to rest and trust that God will still take care of me.

Emotional Boundaries: A Letter to my Brothers-in-Christ

I am documenting this because apparently guys don’t understand us girls. I am sad that I have seen so many of my girlfriends destroyed and hurt by this so here goes nothing. Guys, here’s a little 411 about girls that apparently you don’t understand nor have any of you ever figured out:

Emotional boundaries and emotional attraction are to girls the way physical attraction and physical boundaries are to guys.

Let me try to elaborate. Girls are taught to dress modestly because guys often are attracted to physical beauty and stumble into temptation more often due to crossing physical boundaries be it through action or sight. While I think it’s more complicated than that, I will say I agree with this in a general sense this based on how my guy friends act. Us girls are taught to cover ourselves up so as to not tempt our brothers and so we can guard our brothers’-in-Christ spirits. I am aware that us girls do not always protect our brothers’ hearts like we should and that we fail in this area. We aren’t perfect. I’m not trying to blame guys, I’m just wondering if guys realize what they are doing to girls when they are, possibly unknowingly, leading them on.

My question is: Are guys instructed to guard our hearts so as not to tempt us girls in a similar way that is appropriately fitted for how girls operate?

I am more attracted to guys who stop and talk and get to know me than guys who are good-looking. Guys who chat me up and open themselves up to me make me swoon. Girls’ emotions get wrapped up into our friendships and relationships. We strongly desire feeling loved and reciprocating love. I believe it stems from the fall in Genesis 3, verse 16 when God told Eve, “Your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you.” We crave this emotional attachment to men. This is where we do not guard our hearts and stumble into sin because of that craving of a relationship. We seek out friendships with men and we deceive ourselves in thinking that we only need ‘friendship’ and it won’t be so bad. Or we even convince ourselves that maybe someday, the guy will finally fall for us so we don’t even put up the ‘friendship boundary’ that are so vital because we so desperately want more. Guys tend to not get so wrapped up emotionally in comparison and don’t understand why girls ever cared so much. Naturally, these friendships and relationships break apart or fall through and we feel hurt, broken and rejected. is how we get the stereotype of being crazy and over-emotional. This broken friendship or relationship isn’t necessarily the guy’s fault. Men and women operate differently and guys don’t always think what they were doing was causing us to stumble or hurt because if it was done to them, it wouldn’t necessarily affect them the same way. It’s been said to my friend, who then told me, that the difference between men and women is where we find our value. Men find their value in tangible things like a career, skill, hobby, etc. but women find their value in their relationships with their family, friends, and boys.

Girls stumble and get most hurt from emotional harm, not physical harm. Sunitha Krishnan is an advocate in India for rescuing and helping sexually-exploited children. She was gang-raped at age 15 but she said that it wasn’t the act that she remembers that hurt her and made her feel like a victim. It was the bitterness and anger afterwards that harmed her that she remembers the most. It was the emotion and the loneliness she felt afterwards that made her become a victim.

I personally have worked with very young girls who have been sexually abused by men. These girls do not even understand that the physical act of what these men did was a bad thing. They are more harmed by these men that they trusted with how they left. The girls feel it is their fault that the men were disappointed or angry at them and that is why they did what they did. I was driving one 10 year old girl back to her house this past winter while the bread-winner (her step-father) had been arrested for molesting her. We didn’t know how her mother would find a job or find transportation for a job to support this girl. Her family was in trouble. This girl, crying in my car, asked me if she had done something wrong because as she said, ‘It feels as if no one loves me and it’s all my fault that this happened.” She never truly understood until her sex-education class that what had been done physically to her was wrong; she only knew the pain of her emotional hurt.

Ladies must be very careful of emotional boundaries. And gentlemen should respect that. I’m finding more and more that a lot of guys are clueless that girls become significantly more emotionally attached than guys. For example, my friend broke up with his girlfriend this past winter and she kept de-friending and then re-friending him on Facebook. And then she would go through phases where she’d talk to him ‘as friends’ and then not speak to him. I would always yell at my guy friend for answering back and he didn’t understand why. I called him terrible and mean but he said it wasn’t his fault she was crazy. She wasn’t crazy. She was hurt and trying to heal and struggling with desiring any type of relationship with him (including trying to be friends) and he did nothing to respond to that. In fact, he encouraged it by talking back and allowing her emotions to be even more tormented as she desired that relationship again when it wasn’t right. When she finally gave up and stopped trying to contact him, I said ‘good for her.’ He still didn’t get it.

Unfortunately, some guys have figured this out and use this to their advantage; they are called flirts and they ‘lead girls on’. They mess with our hearts purposely to get attention and then leave when they get what they want, leaving us hurt and our spirits beat-up. I have a nameless friend who just experience this. This guy started flirting with her. She had a talk with him to clarify his actions and he told her that he was serious about his feelings for her and his faith in Christ and he wasn’t going to try to hurt her. So they talked and hung out for about 2 or 3 weeks. Then, all of a sudden, he had ‘bronchitis’ and couldn’t call her on the phone. A week later he responds to her text which asked how he was by saying, ‘I’m great! Just getting my life settled here in California.” Yes, he picked up and left the East Coast and isn’t planning on coming back for a long time after leading her on. Not cool. It will take all of my strength in November when I’m in California for a work trip not to hunt him down and throw a rock at him.

In order for us to heal and feel like beautiful women of God, we need to guard our hearts. Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all, guard your hearts for everything you do flows from it.” For girls this means for us to remember that our value and worth is not in our relationships but in Christ. The only place we can be the women we were designed to be is in Christ. Our brothers need to help us with this with the realization that this issues is a heart issues which they can’t fix but they can help protect us.

And so, Brothers-in-Christ, I beg you to stop tempting us. Stop opening up communication and stop allowing these deep friendships to develop when you do not desire anything more because for girls, deep friendship means commitment and commitment means intimacy. If you don’t desire intimacy, don’t let that relationship get deep. Don’t deepen a friendship without clarifying that you don’t desire anything more and even then, realize that with the “DTR” that girls will still read into your actions with the thought “maybe he’s changing his mind.” We will believe your actions before we believe your words. We can’t have guys messing with our emotions. Just like how we cover up ourselves for you so you aren’t tempted as easily, we need you to learn when to stop talking to us and we need you to stop encouraging us to talk to you. Granted, we don’t always guard your hearts through modesty as well as we should; we are still insecure and sometimes we like the attention we get from our beauty. This is probably similar for guys; guys are insecure too and probably like the attention they get from being our friends.

I am asking that you become aware of how ladies function if you weren’t already aware so that you can show us love and so that you can love us well by protecting us and showing us Christ. I am asking you to stop unintentionally leading us on. My friend’s ex-girlfriend was struggling with this break-up for months and she finally learned that she couldn’t be friends with him. It would’ve been a whole lot easier for the girl’s heart to heal if my friend guarded her heart more after the break-up; unfortunately he didn’t understand why she was struggling so much with getting over their relationship.

Don’t think it’s funny to let ‘crazy’ girls deal with their emotional mess and go back and forth in anguish.  It is your responsibility as our brothers in Christ to guard our hearts by stop talking to us when we need to heal. You were designed by God to be leaders in households. It is therefore also your responsibility to not lead on girls by talking to us and flirting with us just because you want that emotional attention. When you realize you are not interested in a girl, stop leading her on and put up those emotional boundaries.

I understand that guys also need to open themselves up and that they desire relationships with open communication. I also understand that guys when they hang out with other guys don’t always talk to each other. It’s against the ‘bro code’ or something and so guys seek out girls because they need to open up. Do not continue seeking out those emotional friendships with girls. You are hurting us in ways that you do not even realize. The damage you are doing is the same as if one of your sisters in Christ were to walk up to you dressed in a way that tempts you just to get your attention, even though she isn’t interested in dating you.  She would be using your weakness to get the attention she is seeking, which is what you are doing when you are pursuing deep friendships with girls that you truly only see as friends. Please stop. Learn to open yourself up instead to your brothers. Find a brother in Christ and ask him to be an accountability partner. It might be awkward at first but it is by far healthier. Jesus had 3 bestest friends in his inner circle and all 3 were men. Perhaps we should learn by his example.

Also, realize what it will look like when you do become serious about a girl. With so many emotionally open relationships with other girls, you are not guarding your future girlfriend’s, or fiancé’s, or wife’s heart. She will covet that bond you have formed with these other girls and will wonder why you can’t go to her to talk but instead want to go to these other girls. There will be competition and jealousy no matter how hard everyone tries to claim there won’t be. It sucks but that’s what our inner nature is like. Later, you might even wish that you had saved some of the emotional intimacy for her since that is what your wife will desire. This is similar to how a girl with a lot of physical intimacy in her past wishes she had saved some of that physical intimacy for her husband as her husband wanted to be that provider for her.

We are called to be sacrificial in loving others just how Christ showed us sacrificial love. Yes, that does mean opening ourselves up to others. And by being sacrificial it will hurt if we do not lean on God and trust in Him that He will provide. God will protect us and provide for us but we still need to learn how to do love with wisdom and discernment. I believe this is one way to be discerning. Depending on each person and each friendship, this might look differently. I might hang out with my former guy classmates in a different manner than the guys I will meet at my new church knowing that our boundaries are very different. In fact, I am more guarded around the guys at church than my classmates because I have had discussions with my classmates on how I will not seek out any type of relationship without establishing what each person’s faith looks like and they know there cannot be anything other than a casual friendship. It gets messier with Jesus-lovers. I can’t have that same exact conversation. My guard is up as each guy and each relationship will look different. Just how some guys will be tempted by the way a shirt is cut on a girl while others are tempted by holding hands or a kiss. For girls, a girl might be able to handle a friendship with a guy she used to have feelings for but with another guy she may not be able to keep a friendship with him since that friendship might be too toxic for her. [Example: sometimes when a guy feels bad that the girl wants a relationship and he doesn’t, he’ll be friends thinking it will help her heal. Believe it or not, that can leave us more confused and hurt than just cutting us off entirely. We struggle at thinking our value is in that relationship and since that relationship isn’t moving forward, it can lead us to stumble over our heart issues. Sometimes by cutting it off, that temptation is removed (although it still will hurt for a time) and our hearts are protected.]

I truly believe that relationships are beautiful things and something to be encouraged and valued. But I believe that they take work, understanding, discernment and a complete trust in God. And hopefully this makes things less mysterious for guys however I have a feeling that it just made things look even muddier ;)

Designed to Be Here

"Be happy, while you are young, and let your heart give you joy in the days of your youth. Follow the ways of your heart and whatever your eyes see, but know that for all these things God will bring you to judgement. So then, banish anxiety from your heart and cast off the troubles of your body, for youth and vigor are meaningless."

- Ecclesiastes 11:9-10

2 people have pointed out that I look happier now than I have in months. A third person agreed. I am now humming and singing throughout my day- I haven't done that in probably 3 years! (Ask my roomie- she was the one that pointed out how I used to do that regularly and had at some point just ceased.) I even caught myself dancing in my kitchen on a Monday morning before going to work.

For some reason, I've just really felt blessed by God these past few weeks and feel happier and more joyful than I have in an extraordinarily long time. And that's not to say that my life is perfect or better. I just see God's blessings now and what He had in store for me. There was no reason to worry or be anxious. God had the perfect idea in mind for me... better than what I ever would have thought of with this dream job, great new town and hospitable church. I feel as if He designed me to be put here! It's like a great fog that was around me just instantaneously dissipated. Or like I just woke up from a deep sleep, now refreshed.

Grace doesn't happen just before meals.

Something I'm learning every day and I wish others tried too.

On a side note: Ever since I went to 2 churches on one Sunday, every time my host family and I eat dinner, about halfway through dinner, Momma T decides the whole family should say grace now. I don't think they have ever said it before I came along. It's a very awkward mid-point in the meal but I love it lol

Church Shopping and God's Answers

God is funny. Or rather, He's funny and He sure has impeccable timing. My prayer since before I knew where i was going to be moving and working was that He would lead me to a family of believers and a strong community. After moving and not really finding that community in the first 3 churches I went to I was getting discouraged.

I was discouraged because I was so hungry for a faithful community. I know that it takes time to find these things, that it took me over 2 years to find one back at UD, but my soul needed nourishment. So yesterday, as I was sad because none of my friends were available to play or hangout, God and I had a big talk. And God told me to use the internet.

What? Yes, yes He did tell me to use technology. What I had been doing was asking anyone for recommendations on churches. Usually, if people's personal experiences are good, I'll check out the church. I never even thought about googling churches in these towns since I thought it would be so easy to portray a church looking 'nice' on a website versus hearing past experiences. Therefore, I hadn't just searched for churches.

But God told me to so I did. And I found a Vineyard church in Chester Springs which is 20 mins from Phoenixville (where I'm trying to find an apt) and Downingtown (where I am currently based)!! (Don't ask why I hadn't instinctively thought to look up Vineyard churches, I just flat out didn't think of it.) And usually I would wait until I can sweet-talk a friend into coming with me because I am very shy and I dislike going to new places by myself for the first time. I like to have some backup. So I was going to wait until next week when hopefully Patty could come.

But then God and I talked again. He told me to go today. I told God that I'd love it if this church actually made me feel welcome because I'm tired of not feeling welcome or not feeling at home. I also told God that I knew I was not being fed spiritually from the churches I had been to recently so I requested that from Him. (Let's be honest though, He knew that too and why would He argue with that request? Isn't that request a good thing?)

This morning rolls around and I got up and went to a new church today. But I got there 15 minutes early and there were only about 8 cars in the parking lot so I sat in my car 'til 2 minutes of. I'm pretty sure that it's a trend in Vineyard churches to have people flock in like 5 minutes after the service starts. This lady sat next to me with her daughter. Everything felt right, which I usually don't like trusting those instincts or saying that, but it's true.

After the service, the lady turns to me and says, 'I don't think I've met you. Have you been coming here long?' and of course I say, 'no i'm a first timer and I am trying to move to this area.' Of course she had heard of the Barn and loves it. As we were talking though I actually saw someone I knew!! Go figure, her daughter is best friends with the girl I'm living with currently who also goes to UD. And go figure that her daughter with her jaw-dropped comes over and is like, "HOW did you find this place?!"

While we were flabbergasted at this coincidence (I never knew this girl was a church goer and apparently she's looking for a church in Newark, hint, hint), another girl runs over and says, "HI I haven't seen you two here before but you are young and we have a young adults group and you should come... but we're not meeting in the summer, drat" or something very upbeat like that. I felt bad for that new girl because Rachel and I were still just in shock of seeing each other that I don't think we got as many details out of her as we should have.

But anyway, God was laughing at me because I was so nervous and worried the day before about finding a new church and telling Him what I desired and He just gave it to me the next day. I love Him. He's the best. This definitely made my week, if not month. Yay!

Tomorrow, Catherine is driving up and after work we're going to look at an apartment. I really hope this one works out because I really want to find something soon.

Suburbs, family and handymen

There were 3 things I was reminded of today:

1. I never, ever want to live in a suburban development. Ever. I'll pay more to live in a town, city or in the 'country' but never the suburbs. No one should ever feel the need to invest in green grass during August in this region or during a drought. And no one should ever get their driveway repaved every year to keep up the appearances. I find both of these things superficial and foolish.

2. I am very blessed to have been raised by my parents. They love and accept without seeing blemishes. Not all parents are like that.

3. I am very blessed to have men in my family who know how to fix everything. They can do woodworking, mechanical and motor repairs, electrical work, construction, etc. Not all men these days know how to do that. Unfortunately, that also means I'm spoiled and expect a lot out of boys.

The Road Trip: Vermont and Back

After leaving Montreal, we typed my friend Kelsey's address into the GPS and headed back to America. After buying souvenirs, we crossed the border. At the border, they pulled us over and interrogated us and searched our car. But we we passed and they let us into America where we then mailed postcards to our friends and hosts.

KELSEY!!! 

Vermont's lakes were flooded. A lot. It was unbelievable how close the lake waterline in all the lakes we passed were to the road. Apparently, they are having extreme floodings due to all the snow melting from the rain they had after the crazy winter. So driving was cool because the water was really close to where the road began.

We got to Burlington around 1 and since Kelsey was at work we decided to visit the Magic Hat Brewery. You can give yourself a self-guided tour or you can wait for a guide to give it. We waited since we showed up right before one started. They also give you unlimited free beer samples (omnomnom). The tour we could have just done by ourselves without the guide. They didn't say much (Sam Adams was much better with their tour) that was really important besides their history. But their gift shop was fun and they had crazy artwork and Magic Hat is delicious and super cool and they love music and arts so I like them too (: Also I loved our tour guide's beard. He was a hipster to the max and I loved him. I wanted to touch his beard but I didn't.

The Steamboat.

After Magic Hat, the next stop was the Shelbourne Museum where Kelsey works. It appears I had neglected to inform my fellow roadie how awesome it was. (Basically, when I suggest a place to visit, there's an 89% chance it will be amazing and 100% chance that we can make it be amazing so no more doubt and skepticism please.) The Shelbourne Museum is a super cool, former estate of this rich lady who loved collecting things and art. They have lots of really old buildings from the estate in addition to the ones they moved there by helicopter and train. They even have a gigantic steamboat sitting on their lawn (SOOOO COOL)!!

Kelsey was the bestest and got us in for free since she works there (: We spent 2 hours frolicking about and looking at circus exhibits and gun exhibits and blacksmiths working and printing presses (and how they evolved over time, amazingness). Afterwards, we met up with Kelsey and went to dinner.

By that time, I wasn't feeling the greatest but I thought maybe it was because I was hungry. We ate at an amazing place that served quesadillas and food and I scarfed mine down really quickly because we had our most important part of the trip ahead of us: The Avett Brothers.

Even Sarah Palin went to hear the Avett Brothers!

I love Vermont because they invited the Avett Brothers to their state and gave us free ice cream during the concert. As I said before, a large reason why I wanted to visit Kelsey and drive up north was because I knew that she had a ticket that I could use for this concert (: Which was sooo very very good. I only wish that I didn't feel so sick during it (I really felt miserable and that put a damper on things for me but I tried so hard to look not sick for everyone else) But the Avett Brothers were amazing and so good and sexy and I love them and you should go see them in concert if you ever get the chance!!!

After the concert, we crashed in Kelsey's awesome apartment. I really liked her place, it's cute and she has a nice room and wonderfully large kitchen. Kelsey's roomie had a huge air mattress for me to sleep on that inflated like 2 feet thick (I've never seen one so thick). I fell asleep almost instantly and didn't hear anyone get up to turn off lights or doors nor did I hear her roomie walk past me to get to her room. I DID however wake up when the dog tried climbing up on the mattress at 6am. That brought a short shriek out of me since I forgot a dog existed and I wasn't expecting a hairy dog-face in my face. But that was a fun surprise.

Vermont is awesome becasue they have large farmer's markets in walking distance and so we went there to watch Vermontians protect and sell their rhubarb and let their babies play in the fountain. We ate breakfast at a place sorta like NDB but they have more selection and it was incredibly good (and I wasn't sick in the morning yayayay)

After roaming Burlington for a while and getting Vermont maple creemies, it was noon and we had to start heading back towards home. (Booo. It was soooo sad leaving Kelsey but she's very happy in Vermont so that makes me happy.) We drove. Correction: Michael drove. I rode. He still wouldn't let me drive. For dinner, we showed up in the Bronx in Denise's neighborhood and ate real New York pizza. [Side rant- everyone claims NY pizza is amazing but to me it tasted like normal pizza and wasn't as special except that my slice had lots of veggies in addition to chicken]

Real New York pizza

Denise met us at her favorite local place and we ate pizza with her and her friend and then we went to her house to say hi to her family (I think they thought we were crazy for randomly showing up in the city without really making plans that morning to do so because they seemed a bit confused as to how we got there). Denise's dog loved Michael though. I think it was because the dog's fur is a blonde version of Michael's hair. 

We left New York City and headed home for realsies. The only traffic we EVER encountered on the trip was in Newark, DE (go figure) on our way back to my house (in MD). We got to my house around 11 and Michael dropped me off so he could go back to DE so he could wear his Canada hat to church in the morning. (I love Pastor John Groth).

And that was the end of the trip ):

Pretty much that was the 1st and best vacation I had ever had. A 6-day road trip was a good choice. 6 days was long enough that you weren't exhausted or annoyed or whatnot from being on the road for too long away from home but it was still long enough that I was ready to go back to real life by the end. I had lots of fun and learned a lot and finally finished reflecting from it. Yay!

My favorite quotes were "We're in Canada!" and "Green means GO!" and "Cow I win!" and anything that Kelsey said. And I still wear my Canada trucker hat every time I drive my car.

The end.

The Road Trip: French Canadia

Canada. Also known as Canadia. Home of my future husband, Corey Vidal. Unfortunately, Corey was in California the day we decided to visit Canada and we visited Montreal- not Toronto. So no Corey for us :(

"Bonjour!"

Driving up to Montreal was a decently far drive from Portland- I think it took us like 5 or 6 hours to get there. In order to get to Canada, we drove through Vermont. Traffic signs in VT were very nice, bilingual signs in both French and English. We crossed the border into Canadia at a not-busy border crossing and then magically, everything changed. The moose signs were happier, the speed limits were in different units and the language was not English.

Snowmobile crossing!

In case you hadn't figured it out, we weren't entirely prepared for this culture shock. The mere fact of being in Canada was exciting enough, but the language barrier was entertaining. Also, somehow we must not have crossed at a common tourist area because there were no visitor information spots. Another thing we didn't think of was planning ahead. Our usual plan of using the internet on Michael's phone to find us a campsite/hotel didn't work when you cross country borders and turn off the internets because of roaming fees.  The phone was also being used as our GPS. Luckily, I had a Garmin which also had Canadian roads and maps in it. Also, I have Sprint which doesn't charge outlandish fees to text people from Canada to America so I texted our brother, Ben, to look up a campsite for us. He did a very good job and found a KOA site. (Side note: there is a KOA site on my way from Downingtown to Kennett Square and it makes me very happy inside.)

We drove an hour before we found anything remotely like a visitor/rest-stop. We walked in and asked where we could exchange our money. In unconfident English the lady wasn't sure how to describe where a bank was so she asked another lady who called the bank to make sure they were still open and they directed us there.

Once we were at the bank, only one guy spoke English well so he exchanged our money for us. I was supposed to do the talking and I did... but I only spoke in English. Michael wanted me to use my French but I wimped out (oopsies). We got our funny money and drove to the site.

Our campsite yay!

The camp we stayed at was very nice. We were the only ones tent-camping though; everyone else had RVs. But that also meant we were the only ones in our area so we could take up more than one site while trying to get the tarp up. While we were checking in, a guy in the office made a really bad joke to one of Michael's comments about a bag of firewood. I dumbly smiled because I had no idea what the guy meant (neither did Michael) but because I smiled, he thought I got his joke and then harassed us and called me smart and it was awkward. Michael told me that I shouldn't smile so much to old men because that's how I attract creepers. Which is probably true (excluding my pheromones). But we did get our firewood yay!

Canada is cold. Even in June. Not as cold as it usually is most likely, but I was cold. Storm clouds were also brewing so it looked like it was going to be a miserable night. Fortunately, God loves us and He cleared the skies (: After we set up camp and ate American beef hot-dogs, we decided to try to head towards Montreal.

Once again, we did not plan this adventure out (which is always for the best). I typed in "Montreal" into the GPS and we tried heading that direction. What is in Montreal that we should see? I still have no idea. We did see a college campus that we walked through and found a microbrewery/sports bar. The beer was delicious. It took us a very long time, however, to find that microbrewery. Downtown Montreal is very European whereas the rest of the cities we had been in were very hipster. We weren't dressed for any of their fancy restaurants or bars. No pubs existed as far as we could tell. Montreal does have an exuberant number of coffee shops however. Probably of the same caliber as Seattle.

After roaming Montreal for a few hours and parking in the most expensive parking lot in the city, we got tired and headed back. I was cold. Perhaps I was coming down with a bug or something that night because while it was in the 40s, it wasn't weather that I should have been freezing about. I wore both my jeans and my pj pants to bed with my socks and my sweatshirt with my sweater and a t-shirt on (i told you i was cold). Oh yea- and I wore my Canada lumberjack hat!!!! But halfway through the night, I took the hat off. I was freezing though.

After uncomfortably sleeping on a rock all night, the next morning was warmer (more like 60s) and beautiful. We headed back to America via a Canada-trucker-hat-and-souvenir-buying stop.

Two Weeks as a Grown-Up

It's been 2 full weeks of me being an official grown-up at my real job (and not an internship). And I've learned some things.

1. People are much more self-aware about what they eat and consume than they are in college. Both the family I'm staying with and my coworkers freak out when they eat something 'unhealthy'. It's hard being new and yet wanting to eat 3 plates of bacon and fried chicken without them sending me funny looks.
2. Having ADHD sucks when you have 10-20 different projects going on.
3. There is no such thing as a good commute in Pennsylvania.
4. There is no such thing as a good driver in Pennsylvania. I have witnessed 3 accidents already and I don't even drive on the turnpike or any highways that get insane. Just Rt 113.
5. Having families adopt you is a nice way to start out living in a new place.
6. Finding a roommate in a random place in PA on Craigslist is very difficult. Especially when you're not allowed to live with boys and don't know anyone. 
7. Travelling for work will either get old very quickly or stay exciting. I think if i do that FourSquare thing, I could rack up points very quickly. Driving out to somewhere this Wed but they haven't told me specifically where.
8. I now understand cat ladies. Cats are the best company outside of best friends. 
9. Don't move and change your life when you are PMSing. Unless, of course, breaded chicken and sushi is promised. (Sorry boys for the insight. But it's important.)
10. Type A personalities are not my friend.

Tomorrow I'm checking out 2 churches and I'm really excited. One will be in the morning and another will be in the evening in West Chester (that Patty is convinced it's an awesome church that I'll love). I think it might be the highlight of my 2 weeks here (not the highlight of my month since I went on a road trip (: ). I'm very excited. 

Also, somehow today I'll have to be in Newark to pick up a computer desk and a coffee table. Not sure how that's gonna work since my dad wanted to take the truck up to the river. Hmm...

The Road Trip: Portland, Maine and Homeless guys

Ok... after we left Boston, we headed to Portland, Maine. I was excited to visit because rumor had it that lumberjacks and hipsters live there (: We decided to drive through Salem just so we could see witches. That was fun.We got to Portland probably around 5ish. Michael wanted to play at another open mic so he called the bar and asked what time it started. It started at some ridiculously early hour, like 6:30, which we weren't expecting since our campsite still had to be setup. The campsite we chose was really nice. They had a lake and firepits and a playground and paddle boats and French-speaking babies in the bathrooms. And sand. My feet were very dirty so I felt like a hipster.

There was a little bit of a misunderstanding I think when I started explaining my history with camping to people. Yes, I had been camping (in tents) before. However, I was not a boy scout (shocking, I know), and the men in my family get feisty and grumpy and don't let women touch anything so I never helped SET-UP camp. I was worried that Michael was going to hate me but he didn't seem that frustrated with my inadequate tarp-putting-up abilities. (Ben would have judged me though.) The sky looked like it was going to storm, hence the tarp, but God made it clear up and be a nice evening without rain so it was a good day to camp.

Our campsite!

After we set up camp, we went into town to find this bar. I think this bar was my favorite because of all the random types of people. First, the lady running the open ic was really nice and chatty and the waiter, although pokey, was cute. Then, there was this really bad gent who played who loved Jesus, which is nice, but my ears hurt after him (even though he had 9 albums out). When he left the bar, he screamed " *insert his name* is leaving the building!!!" and I lol'd. 

But the most epic man was the homeless guy. When Michael and I got there, we wanted to eat and so we found some seats at an awkward bar in the back corner (where there were only 3 seats). We only took up 2 so this gruff older gentleman came and sat down and was eating/drinking and he had a pad of paper with him. I thought he could be homeless or he could be a crazy yet important man (like the owner or a music person). He was homeless.

All was fine with this dear old man until Michael went to tune his guitar outside. Which happened to be where the guy went out to smoke. Apparently they chatted for a few minutes before Michael went up to play a few songs. (Which by the way, apparently he was 'on tour' since they announced that he was, win.) I was in charge of the cameras and recording video and taking pictures. And eating the amazing seafood sliders and Smutty Nose beer (that meal was all win and no fail and was glorious). Halfway through the first song, the man realized that I was associated with the guitarist because of the cameras. So he leans over towards me and starts asking me about the cameras and the lighting and the audio and stuff that didn't really make sense. I didn't really want to talk since I was trying to not record my voice (or his) but that failed. I answered back.

This man then decided to ask me how the tour was and where we were going and what we have seen and where we were from. Teehee- he thought I was a roadie or a manager. When I explained we were headed towards Vermont, he went on about how beautiful Vermont was. Then he said that he'd love to go with us but he had to get dialysis done every 3 days so he couldn't. (Phew!)

Around this time, Michael finished playing his songs. I think this was the first (that I remember at least) and last time I will ever see him come rushing back while I'm interacting with a creeper. Usually he stands back and watches me suffer until I come running to hide behind him (I prefer hiding behind Ben because he's taller). Of course, he probably did that because he had no where else to go and the food was next to me.

Anyway, homeless guy told me to stick around after the feature to listen to him recite poetry but the feature was a terrible cover band and I was falling asleep at the bar so we left during it to go make S'mores back at the campsite.

I liked Portland a lot. I think it's a tie between Boston, Portland and Burlington.

Random tangent: I'm still convinced that bringing air mattresses while camping is cheating. But it's very comfy that way so I shouldn't complain.

I came back after showering and
there were electronics everywhere

PS- Is Dan Messick alive?

The Road Trip: Its beginnings and Days 1 and 2

So Michael and I went on a 6-day road trip 3ish weeks ago around New England and into Canadia. And it was amazing! I'm trying to think of how we even began the idea of going on a road trip and I think it started in the Fall when I wanted to visit Swan Johnson out in California. I told Michael and he seemed to want to go too which then transpired into an epic road trip around the country in 2 weeks which then got more realistic as June approached and work dates were given out.

There are some large factors that you need to keep in mind when thinking about road tripping.
1. You will be in a car with the people you are travelling with for long periods of time. Make sure you won't destroy that other person. Luckily, Michael is half-crazy like myself so I think we were fine. (This is your cue, Michael, to agree fervently). No bad arguments outside of whether or not he'd let me drive occurred. Also, we didn't drive nearly as much as we were originally planning on had we gone to California.
2. The music you listen to in the car is a big deal.
3. Price/affordability.
4. The US dislikes when you try entering their country.
5. Not making an itinerary that is planned out down to the second but instead having cities to drive towards and figuring out the rest on the way there is a good idea. Always.
6. Boys with smartphones like their phones better than old-school Garmins to use as GPSs. The rest of the world will never understand why. (My friend Davien is another example.)

I wanted to go to Vermont because my friend Kelsey moved to Burlington in January and I missed her and wanted/promised to visit. Also, I claimed her 2nd ticket to see the Avett Brothers with her in Burlington on June 3rd. Travelling around New England seemed to be logical and practical yet still could be epic (especially with the amount of breweries and beer they have yay but i'm not implying we're ridiculous alcoholics lol).

The Monday after I graduated, we packed up Momma Natrin's car (that she kindly let us borrow because she's the best) and headed towards Connecticut. My friend Elizabeth and her parents, Momma and Papa Hanle, live in Southbury and they they wanted to meet us at Stew Leonard's. Michael thought I was insane when I said we were going to an awesome grocery store but a store that has animatronic chickens and cows is fantastic- especially when it serves lobster in their outside cafeteria for less than $13. If you haven't been, you need to take a few hours when driving through Connecticut and stop at Stew's. It's amazing. Do not doubt me.

We left Connecticut very full and happy (I was happy because I got to play with Elizabeth's bunny, Pickle) and headed towards Boston. Originally we wanted to find a campsite outside of the city but that was impossible so we found a hotel that wasn't super sketchy (after a few tries) and then went into Cambridge. Michael wanted to play at the Cantab Lounge's Open Mic. At first I was skeptical of the bar because it looked like no one was going inside (mind you, it was early so of course no one went in at that time in the evening). After he went in and talked to the guy in charge and did all that stuff that musician's do he approved of it and we sat and had Sam Adam's summer ale (omnomnom) and listened to good-looking yet insecure college-aged hipsters and old men play. This girl Evie Ladin was the feature and she was really nice and good and my dad would've liked listening to her so I got her CD to give to him. (Mainly as a present because my dad thought the road trip was a sketchy idea.) The Cantab Lounge actually reminded me of one of the first bars I went to after I turned 21 (it was down in DC and I went with grad students right after my 21st birthday) and so I was pretty content.

On Tuesday, we checked out of the hotel and parked at my (old) roommate's brother's house and took the 'T' into the city. The 'T' is very clean and nice. I'm very jealous.

Our first priority on Tuesday morning was the Sam Adams Brewery. She was very nice and smelled like beer and we got free samples!! She also lets you fill out postcards and she'll pay for postage herself. Afterwards, Michael asked his many followers on Facebook what we should do downtown and some people told us to go to the Funeil Marketplace (I still can't pronounce that place). Pretty much it was just an outdoor mall that sold lobster hats at souvenir stands but it was nice. The aquarium was nearby so we walked around that and saw sea lions and seals.

We got tired and needed to be back at my roommate's brother's (Brian's) house at a decent hour because Brian has a 5 yr old girl and a 2.5 year old boy and a wife that needs to be put to bed early. It was very awkward at first showing up in their house at their bedtime but eventually it got a little less awkward. In exchange for free housing, I offered free babysitting the next morning for the 2.5 year old while Brian could study some (since he's a PhD student). I was entertained because he was slightly nervous that I wouldn't be able to handle a crying boy but clearly he didn't know my resume. Josiah stopped crying as soon as Brian was out of earshot (and after I made a blanket fort to drive cars through)... or rather he stopped crying until Michael tried petting him like a cat.

Halfway through the morning, Josiah became unafraid of Michael and they became best friends. Brian came home and we left to go on a quest to find rare vinyl round things that make music and are only 3 colors anand to search for Boston creme pie. Fact: just because you are in Boston, does NOT make it easy to find Boston creme pie nor will it be cheap. Especially when in Harvard. After our pie, we left Boston to hunt witches.

And this is where I'm going to stop rambling because I'm tired. Maine and Canada and Vermont will come soon.

The Road Trip: The Night Before

2 days after I graduated from college, I went on a 6-day road trip with Michael Natrin throughout New England and into Canada. That trip was hands-down the best trip I've been on outside of 2 mission trips overseas. It was also probably the first trip I could ever consider to be a real vacation. (I grew up 10 mins away from a log cabin on a river so we never travelled anywhere and a few times that I can barely remember because I was less than 6 years old we went to Ocean City, NJ while my dad had business near there but that was only for a day or two and was always stressful with my family.)

I left my parents' home on a Sunday night to sleep in Newark because we were leaving early Monday and I live in the opposite direction we were headed. My brother offered to take me so I packed up my stuff into his little red, fancy Honda Prelude and we drove. On 273 near Fair Hill, right before Appleton Rd though, (going like 65-70), a little fancy Camaro passed us while we were going down a hill. At the bottom of the hill, that car had sparks FLY out from under it and we thought they had bottomed out on the bridge. As it was pulling over, we slowed to like 50 mph (the posted speed limit). We soon realized though that it wasn't that they bottomed out but something was in the road. In other words, as our headlights started to light up that area, a portion of the road was not lighting up but was still very dark. Before we realized it was something, we hit it.

A giant tire.

My brother's Prelude tried driving over a giant tire (rim and all). We think that tire fell off a Jeep or a truck. My side of the car was the one that actually went over it (thanks, David). We thought we were okay until we realized that steam was coming up from the hood so we had to pull over too. Basically, the tire destroyed the front of my brother's car. It ripped the air conditioning unit, destroyed the frame, the bumpers, part of the radiator, etc.

Luckily, I had Nationwide which is like AAA and they sent a tow truck out to get us. Unfortunately, David and I had to call my parents to get the number. Worst decision ever. My dad freaked out, drove 40 minutes out, wouldn't let any of my friends pick me up (they were only 10 minutes away and Michael had already offered) so he slowed down the whole process. My mother also decided to be the liaison on calling the insurance company, but she's 68 years old and forgot details so when the police came and asked us questions, we had to call her and not get any answers which frustrated everyone.

But compared to the other car, we were extremely relaxed and chill. The 2 passengers in the other car were freaking out. They were furious and then they got nervous when the tow truck came so they stripped out everything out of their car (I think they had illegal stuff in there and their stereo setup was so expensive and probs exceeded legal limits on sound and whatnot that they didn't want it to get stolen). But they were freaking out like it was their job.

I'm glad I know how to stay calm in situations. I'm sure if I was physically hurt, it would be a whole other story. I'm also glad that God clearly was with us and protected us since no one was hurt yet the cars were totaled.  My favorite psalm is Psalm 34 and in it, verse 19-20 says,

"The righteous person may have many troubles,
   but the LORD delivers him from them all;
²⁰ he protects all his bones,
   not one of them will be broken."

 My God is a protector. It's nice having one to run to, especially since I attract a lot of creepy people and can get into some uncomfortable or frazzling situations. Knowing that I have a god that will protect me and that won't let harm come to me that He doesn't will is nice. I was so thankful that David wasn't freaking out either. Apparently he was already thinking about buying a new car (a VW GTI and it's super nice and fancy with plaid seats) so the accident helped him make that decision.

Also, since I'm reflecting back on it, I think that I shouldn't have been so frustrated with my parents. I technically became independent from them but they may not see it that way. And 2 of their 4 children were in an accident and I'm sure that's not a nice phone call to receive so I can't blame them for wanting to help and be present. I supposed I'd be freaking out too.

This accident was the first story on my road trip! And it was techincally before the road trip began too. Stories and thoughts on the real road trip will come soon (: yay!

My life is crazy.

The past few weeks have been absolutely insane in my life.

Currently, I am sitting on a bed in my friend's family's house utterly exhausted after having moved in temporarily on Sunday. I will be living here until I can find an apartment and hopefully some roommates which hopefully will happen before August. I really, really want to find roommates. One thing I learned this past winter is that I should never live alone- I need company or I become depressed and crabby and sad and mute.

Before I moved in, I graduated; was in an accident the day after I graduated (my brother was driving, not me and we are fine but the car is totalled); went on an amazing, relaxing 6-day road trip with Michael (he still has my passport) all around New England and up into Canada the day after my accident; had my sister and brother-in-law from Ohio with the musically-gifted children visit; visited my grandparents; saw Michael and Kelsey play at the Queen in Wilmington and pretended I was in the Natrin family again by sitting with them (the littlest brother still hasn't talked to me, I'm very entertained); went to a family reunion; moved to Downingtown, PA into my friend's home; started a new, full-time entry-level job at SSC; learned how to use AutoCAD; and flew to Rhode Island to drive to Worcester, MA on my 3rd day of work for a site visit and flew back that same day (with a 2 hour flight delay coming home). And today I played with 3 cats (they love me more than my friend teehee) when I got home and talked to Poppa Townsend (I forget his name so living here is slightly awkward) while waiting for my friend to get home so we could go eat burgers at Cheeseburger in Paradise (they had karaoke tonight and my friend has no sense of humor or compassion). And now I am sitting on their guest bed which is my bed for now.

And that all happened since May 28.

I am very stressed and frazzled at work. They are very overworked, underpaid, and overstressed and I am tired. They told me after 3 months hopefully I'll be used to the workload and stress and busyness of the company. My commute is supposed to take 30 mins but PA roads are terrible and it takes me 55 minutes. I need to move north more towards work when I find an apt but my friends live south so I desperately am resisting that need.

I also need a new phone and my contract is up with Sprint so I'm debating going off of my family plan and going to Verizon but I don't know because going off the family plan is pricier. People tend to like Verizon though and Sprint has been failing me lately (although they are cheaper which is nice).

Basically, my life has completely changed. Monday, I checked on my tax form "independent" for the first time so I guess I am now a grown-up. Every day and night my prayer has been that God protects me and that I remember how much God is with me and loves me and will help me adjust to this region and new phase in my life. I don't think I could have gotten through this week starting my job without Him.

Anyhoo- this post unfortunately hasn't had much reflection in it. I've been in a sort of process-less mindset lately which doesn't make me comfortable at all. Usually I internally process things and then comprehend stuff but it's taking a lot longer to sink in so I sit here mindlessly as if I'm a zombie. I'm still trying to collect all my thoughts just about the trip before I tell everyone about it. But hopefully that will come soon!

Everyone else's lives though have been very insane lately too and I miss everyone and want to see people again some day to hear about their lives. My friend texted me how she got a job in NYC which is perfect for her but I forgot she was even looking; that makes me a terrible friend very focused on my life and not others and now I am sad and will stop talking about myself.

Yay- my brother bought a fancy VW GTI to replace his wrecked car and it's super nice and fancy with plaid seats. The outside is white and the inside is fancy with a Sirius radio and GPS and Bluetooth and technical car stuff.

The Sabbath Year

One of my favorite passages in Scripture is Leviticus 25. Yes. That’s right. I said Leviticus- also considered to be one of the ‘boring’ books in the Bible because it’s a list of rules. But they are rules that God gave the Israelites when establishing a nation. Just think about it for a minute. If GOD, the Sovereign God who knows us inwardly and outwardly and created each of us, if He gave us suggestions on how to live, don’t you think they might be helpful? Or handy?

Leviticus 25 is all about The Sabbath Year. Here is some of it.

“ ¹ The LORD said to Moses at Mount Sinai, ² “Speak to the Israelites and say to them: ‘When you enter the land I am going to give you, the land itself must observe a sabbath to the LORD. ³ For six years sow your fields, and for six years prune your vineyards and gather their crops. ⁴ But in the seventh year the land is to have a year of sabbath rest, a sabbath to the LORD. Do not sow your fields or prune your vineyards. ⁵Do not reap what grows of itself or harvest the grapes of your untended vines. The land is to have a year of rest. ⁶ Whatever the land yields during the sabbath year will be food for you—for yourself, your male and female servants, and the hired worker and temporary resident who live among you, ⁷ as well as for your livestock and the wild animals in your land. Whatever the land produces may be eaten.”

¹⁸ “‘Follow my decrees and be careful to obey my laws, and you will live safely in the land. ¹⁹ Then the land will yield its fruit, and you will eat your fill and live there in safety. ²⁰ You may ask, “What will we eat in the seventh year if we do not plant or harvest our crops?” ²¹ I will send you such a blessing in the sixth year that the land will yield enough for three years. ²² While you plant during the eighth year, you will eat from the old crop and will continue to eat from it until the harvest of the ninth year comes in.

 ²³ “‘The land must not be sold permanently, because the land is mine and you reside in my land as foreigners and strangers. ²⁴ Throughout the land that you hold as a possession, you must provide for the redemption of the land.”

I have a point to sharing this passage. Never fear. 

It is fairly common knowledge that the Bible has as one it’s commandments, “Honor the Sabbath by keeping it holy.” That’s once a week aka after 6 days of work, we need to rest and glorify God through our rest. College students have a hard time honoring this commandment. And perhaps it’s not just a college thing and perhaps it isn’t even a personal sin but a societal sin as well. We do not rest when we should. And every so often we all have mental breakdowns and panics in consequence of our sin.

But God commanded more than that. Not just every seventh day but every seventh year we are supposed to rest. In a community where agriculture was how people survived, God commanded them to stop harvesting their fields every seven years. To me this makes sense. You will deplete the nutrients in a field quickly and your crops won’t be as fruitful if you continually push your land to produce more (hence now why people always dump fertilizers on the ground). But this passage doesn’t talk just about harvests. It talks about debts, loans, homes, animals, and family. In other words, it addresses most aspects of life.

Every seven years we are supposed to take a Sabbath year. One year where we calm ourselves down and honor God by making sure we get rest. I have no idea what that would look like nor do I think our society quite understands. The best examples in our society are sabbatical years that professors, professionals and missionaries take to regroup and recover.

And I haven’t even talked about the Jubilee year where we are supposed to free all debts, slaves and commitments after every 7 sets of 7 years (aka every 50^th year).

Hmm. Interesting.

It is also interesting to know this random tidbit of my life: This past year was the hardest and most difficult year for me to get through. I had a lot of family problems, a lot of friendships end, and a lot of inward problems that I needed to deal with.

But I wasn’t the only one. I know many people who had it rough. From dealing with alcoholism, to eating disorders, to emotional and mental instability, to committing terrible crimes, to needing to find a new job or place to live. This year sucked for many of us a lot more than past years have. And not just in what we were struggling with but our temptations, our emotional handlings of these temptations and with life in general.

Why?

I believe it was because it was supposed to be my Sabbath year. I was 21 turning 22. So were my friends. Or the others were a multiple of 7 in age, ironically enough. We were burnt out and Satan knew that. He attacks when we are most vulnerable and he tried doing it in full force.

My God is my protector, however, and He rescues me even though I was not resting. Although I was emotionally exhausted, physically exhausted and my brain hurt, God was willing to be my protector and He was rescuing my friends.

What would it have looked like if I had made this year my Sabbath Year? What would it look like if as a community we had a Sabbath Year? How can we go about living life so that next time, I will honor God and look to Him for my rest and my protection?

Reactions towards the 'wicked'

One can learn so much about their friends in how they react to news. For example, this Sunday was when the nation learned that Osama bin Laden died. To be honest when I first heard I was so tired that I didn't care but I passed it on to my friends so that they were aware because I figured it was important. 

I was not expecting what happened though. Riots outside of my window? Cheering and spontaneous parades on Main Street? USA chants every night in the bars? Since when did our nation care?

People took so much pleasure in the death of one man. Yes, he was responsible for terrible crimes. Yes, it appeared that he was not repentant for the acts of Sept 11. Yes, our government needs to protect its people. But he was still a man with a soul. I worry about how people in the Middle East will react to our response to this news. We call ourselves a "Christian nation" (although I would argue that we are not) yet as a people we do not share the grace that our God shares. What impact will this have in our relations with Afghanistan, Pakistan, Iran and Iraq?

On a smaller, more day-to-day scale, where do we act without compassion and grace towards the wicked? One example I've noticed is how we treat criminals. Do we act with grace and wisdom in trying to help them and pray for a change in heart? No. More often than not, I see the opposite. For example, people in my classes get together every week to watch the show 'To Catch a Predator' so they can make fun of each man that appears on the show and so they can feel better about their own lives. They get an ego boost because they aren't 'as bad as that guy.'

This breaks my heart on so many levels. Where do we find justice in comparing ourselves to others when we all have different stories and personalities and problems? No one is good, not one. Through the grace of God, we can be forgiven and freed from our sin but not a single person deserves it. It hurts a lot hearing people make fun of rapists or murderers or felons of any sort when they have not met or gotten to know one. So much systemic injustice and brokenness exists in societies that end up causing these crimes to happen and complicate things. 

If there has been one lesson that I have learned this year, we need to learn how to forgive the most heart-breaking and disappointing crimes otherwise nothing will get restored. And the only way to truly forgive someone is by leaning on God and asking him to change YOUR heart and not just the "wicked's" for we all are wicked. 

We should not rejoice in another human's demise but we should rejoice when another has a change of heart. Ezekiel 33:11 says, ‘...As surely as I live, declares the Sovereign LORD, I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that they turn from their ways and live....' Let this be our stance and motto as a nation instead.  

Testimony Part 1: Letting Go of Good Things

Family is dynamic. Everyone always says that their family is crazy, probably because of all the stuff that happens in their clan because family is so fluid. Family can change; it can grow with marriage and babies or get smaller with deaths or separations. This mother that I nannied for once went from an abusive relationship with a large extended family to being a single mother with a child and no support behind her. The father was abusive and the grandmother was in denial about the situation and the rest of the relatives just could not believe it. Basically, she lost her family so she could protect her child.

This is an area where I have struggled since high school. Could I leave my family behind if God called me to leave? Luke 9:61-62 says "Still another says, 'I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say good-bye to my family.' Jesus replied, 'No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.' "

I love my family and having family is a great gift from God. Although my family doesn't hug each other or say it explicitly, we love each other and have supported each other in extremely difficult times. (More to come about that maybe at a later date.) I have very old parents though and their health hasn't been the best so helping them and caring for my mother when she gets severely low sugar is something that I do. Because of this, I did not want to move far away but I wanted to stay after I graduated to be able to help.

Now you might say, "aww, you're such a good daughter" but please don't think like that. Just because actions seem right does not mean that motivations are in par with what God desires. In the passage above, if that man truly loved Christ and his looking back towards his family was centered around what God wanted him to do, that would be fine. But Christ knew that man's reservations and fears about leaving and knew that his heart was not fully committed to Christ's service yet.

If my motivation for looking for jobs near my home was because I knew God was calling me to stay then that would be alright. However, I was motivated by fear. I did not want to not be around if something happened. I was afraid of ultimately losing my mother and missing out on good times. But I needed to let my family go. Yes, family is important. Friends are important. But at what point do they begin to become an idol?

Over winter, I struggled so much with this concept that I think I think I ended up crying daily. (It didn't help that I was severely lonely and depressed from my SAD.) I knew that I needed to let go of my family and stop idolizing it in order for God to let me truly enjoy my family. This concept may not make sense to some. I've heard it referred to in terms of dating relationships though: if you so desperately want to be in a certain relationship because you like it (which isn't a bad thing), but if you would be willing to ignore God's plan due to that relationship, that is a bad relationship to be in; but if you are willing to give up that relationship if God told you to, your motivations are still God-seeking and that relationship isn't an idol. It sounds backwards, I know and until you are put in a situation like that, I don't think many people will understand what I'm trying to say.

I have struggled with knowing my ill-placed motivations. It's not an easy subject but since high school I have consciously struggled with battling between where God wants me to go and with the fact that I strongly desire to go back home.

This past winter, I was finally able to release my family to God. Now that I have, it's been amazing because God has been answering my prayers. He does want me to have my parent's semi-close to me in my post-graduated life but He wanted me to trust Him with it. Job opportunities have been slowly opening themselves up for this region and God has been blessing me for trusting. I'm still struggling with figuring out the balance but I know that I am free from that sin and it feels like a burden has been lifted.

So now I ask the 6-ish of you that actually read this blog to reflect on your own life: what area is burdening you that only you know your motivations are wrong? Is it school? or church activities? or music? Or is it relationships with others?

PS- I'm sorry this post is so long. I talk a lot.

An Awkward Blog Update

I have two blogs.

This blog. And my awkward blog. But all of you who have found this blog should already know about the awkward blog. That’s my famous one.

I haven’t posted any of my awkward stories though since December. Have awkward stories happened to me? Yes, of course. I had a strange man follow me from when I walked out of my dorm to Trabant the other day. He originally wasn’t walking in the same direction that I was headed either but he turned around when I passed him.  But nothing came of it so I can’t write about it.

But there have been no solid stories in a while. I like to think it’s because I’m getting skilled at dealing with them however that would be a complete lie- I’m awkward. I really think really it’s mainly due to two reasons. 

1. I haven’t been out that much in places where I can create stories. Between work, family, shyness and sickness, I just haven’t been places this year where the awkward can creep on me.
2. A lot of my stories that are my truly awkward stories I can’t write up because of privacy issues. Aka some of my creepers have found my blog and read it or some of you made me feel super awkward but I won’t tell you or write about it because I don’t want you knowing.

But do not fear. I’m still very awkward at heart. And I’m sure more stories will come.

Testimony and Themes and Whatnot

I just wrote out my testimony again. I haven't updated it in 3 years. So much has changed since then, especially within this past year so I figured it needed to be done. I wrote it out and am still writing and so far it's taking up over 9 pages in my journal.

There are basic themes though that keep getting repeated.
1. God prepares us for what is to come. It's almost ironic how much God has prepared me to go through some of the situations I have faced.
2. Friendships/any type of relationship (parent-to-child, coworker, mentor/mentee, friends, bf/gf, etc) should never be idolized. While God said, "It is not good for man to be alone," first and foremost our focus must be on God. When our focus leaves God, that's when problems occur. I've lost many friends by losing focus and thinking that I know best. I've idolized friends and I've been through bouts of loneliness. Having no friends (or not trusting anyone to be a friend) is just as bad as idolizing a relationship.
3. Letting go of painful situations is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Learning to forgive is part of the letting go process. Forgiveness doesn't come if anger has built walls around your heart.
4. Learning to forgive is extraordinarily difficult.
5. Trust goes against everything that society tells you to do.
6. The worst feeling in the world is feeling like you are a burden when your spirit is deeply hurting.
7. Giving of oneself is the best gift you could do for yourself.
8. I was a nerd in high school. And the first two years of college. Then I burned out.
9. "But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me." -Micah 7:7. My God will hear me. That is a promise.
10. "The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love" -Galatians 5:6b. If you ever doubt a rule or a command or what you should do, recite this verse and ask yourself deep down is it faith being expressed in love or is it rebellion/anger/sadness/doubt?

I might type up some of my testimony and share it on here. Not all of it. But maybe some parts. We shall see.

Before Leaving College

There was a list of things that my friends and I think all college kids should do or that we'd imagine we'd do in college before graduating. This list is what I haven't successfully accomplished yet. Some assistance might be required.

Things I need to do before leaving college:

1. Star Wars Marathon (Patty and I have been talking about it since freshman year). I get lots of interest but no one is willing to commit to watching them :(

2. Jump in the fountain

3. Visit Colburn after leaving the bars

4. Go on the roof of Du Pont

5. Get to all the bars (I haven't been to Timothy's yet).

6. Eat at all the places on Main Street (not sure if I can afford it though). I still need the newly opened Indian place, Cheeburger Cheeburger, St Clair's, Mojo's for hush puppies, Falafel Plus and the fancy places like Iron Hill for food, the Post House Restaurant, Deer Park bc I think I've never actually ordered food there, Caffe Gelato and a few others. I think the pricier places I might try going to brunch on the weekend perhaps or I'll just come back in the summer or fall to finish when I have an income.

7. $3 movies in Trabant and the $2 documentaries on Wednesdays (I've never actually gone to one here)
8. Hush puppies at Mojo's. I've heard delicious rumors that they exist on the dinner menu and I MUST find out the truth and order them if they truly exist 

It was jokingly suggested that I should add to the list getting my MRS degree and getting kissed under the kissing arches. If you know me however you should know that neither of those were ever on the list to begin with. I do know girls who have them on their lists though.

If there are any other suggestions that I should add to this list, please feel free to tell me!