Afraid of the Dark

I have a confession to make:
I am afraid of the dark.

Now I'm not afraid of the dark in the normal sense. I can walk into a dark room or out into the night and understand that the area hasn't physically changed and that nothing will jump out at me and attack (except for my brother's cat). Mentally, my brain knows not to fear. However, deep down my heart starts doubting anyway. I get fearful that I am left all alone. I think it also helps explain my winter anxiety- winter has the shortest days of the year and so it is dark the longest.

I realized my fear, or at the very minimum my strong distaste, of the dark a few weeks ago. It just sorta occurred to me. And I got thinking: why am I so fearful of the dark? Why don't I like it?

I think it brings on mental claustrophobia. The dark starts to strip things out of your line of vision. When you are in the dark, you can't see the things around. Darkness is around you and all you 100% know is that you are standing there but a blanket of darkness cloaks everything else.Sure, we have faith that everything around us is the same as what it was when the lights were on. We rarely have reason to doubt that something has changed with the cover of the night. But I still don't like it. I can't see the strangers walking down the street at night, I can't see that uneven bump in my path that I need to step over, I'll run into things with my clumsy feet and then I will most likely trip and fall.

My relationship with God is like that too. In the lighter times, I have no reason to doubt that God is present with me and that He cares for me and has undying, relentless love for me. But when darker times come, I am left standing there with a slight fear. I can't see what is around me, I can't see what God is doing but I'm desperately trying to trust Him that nothing has changed. I have to trust that when I do trip God will still be with me to help pick me up.

Maybe that is why Christ said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." Maybe Jesus is my light bulb, or my flashlight. A flashlight shines a beam of light in the direction you point it so that it shows you what's lying ahead. Jesus already lived a life here on earth to show us what's lying ahead. His example can guide me and show me when I should turn because there is a bend in the path. His example also reveals and reassures me that God always IS present so that I won't be living life alone in the dark.

Since I started my job, I've been waking up early in the morning to get to work. I wake up with the sun rising and go to bed when it is dark. I used to wake up at like 10 or noon and stay awake until the sun was almost rising the next day. I was practically living in the nighttime instead of the day. That made me miserable. I am now making a conscious effort to live life when it's light outside instead of at night. More people should try that. It's much nicer. I can't avoid the darkness (because in the winter it's dark at like 4:45 or 5) but when the darkness does come I know it's time for me to start calming down for the evening to rest for the night. Spiritually, I should learn how to do that too. When the dark times begin to come, instead of panicking I will remain calm and curl up with my Jesus to rest and trust that God will still take care of me.