Change

For two years now (actually probably longer, maybe 2.5-3 years), my soul has been hibernating. Some might have called me depressed even. Basically, my emotions hit the "pause" button and I stopped thinking, processing, feeling and doing. Well, I felt some things. 

Not much has happened for two years. I take that back actually. Let me explain some of the things that first come to mind that have happened in the past two years in my life:

• I realized I suffered from chronic and daily migraines (and not allergies and sinus headaches like I tried to tell people) for the past 5 years and figured out I was deficient in some minerals. I always blamed the weather- then i started tracking it and learned my headaches actually occurred daily and was not connected with the weather. So now I do things to prevent them and I haven't had one in 6 months. Life is so much more tolerable now.
• I had to end an extraordinarily emotionally toxic friendship with my best friend, which might have been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do and it took me 5 months to get the strength to do so.
• My brother and I have gotten close like besties but it’s the type of closeness where you never acknowledge it because that would ruin the beauty of the sibling dynamic. 
• I lost my grandfather two Thanksgivings ago and learned that the saddest thing in the world is a 90 year old mourning widow who mourns for her late husband of whom she was married to for 70 years. 
• My friend was found discovered on the tracks of the NYC subway system. That is all I want to say about that.
• I learned that no matter how supported you are in your first job, they will still only treat you as “the girl out of college” and won’t give you freedoms the way the men are given- even if your company WBENC certified and you have presented work to 4 star generals.
• I almost choked on chocolate one night, literally to the point where I was trying to not panic and get myself outside so someone can help me because nothing had entered my lungs when I took a breath. 
• I’ve had the worst nightmare while sleeping that I have ever had where I woke up and tried calling my best guy friend at 3:30 am on a work night due to the crippling fear it produced- even to the point where I didn’t sleep for the next night either due to it and I blocked my doors every time I was in my apartment for a month after it. (If you know me, you know that dreams and things never affect my real life decisions like that unless if it’s bad.)
• My best friend got married to the perfect guy for her and her marriage is truly one that I admire and respect. In fact, because of her marriage and how wonderful it is, I have peace at the moment that I am the "forever single" girl because I know I haven't met that guy for me yet. I am at peace because I know when or if I ever do meet that guy, that story will be both beautiful and hilarious at the same time and will be totally worth the wait. I can't explain to you why my best friend's marriage has taught me this but it has.

Needless to say, most (but not all) of the memories I have of the past two years are not exactly "happy" or "favorite" memories. But, more importantly is that I’ve learned about family. Family helps. Family is what shouldn't EVER go away. And your family isn't just comprised of relatives (although it’s nice if you have those too) but your close friends and their relatives are also your family.  This is a sample list of what family does:

• They take you under their wing and force you to play board games for your entire birthday weekend with no one mentioning it's your birthday because they know how awful birthdays have been in the past for you.
• They let you show up late at night every weekend for 3 months because you are depressed but they never ask why. 
• They invite you over to every family function to help you feel included. 
• They don't ask why you love a certain show- they watch it with you instead, even if they don't understand or like it.
• They call you regularly even though you never remember to return their phone calls in a timely manner.
• They do all these things for you, but you would do the same things and more in a heartbeat for them.

Anyway, I'm ready for a change from these last two years. I'm hoping for a change. I'm praying for a change of attitude. Hopefully, tomorrow begins that change. I really want to call the last two years a "winter" season for my soul and I pray that my soul is moving into a season of spring.

I pray that something is finally beginning to thaw inside me.